I didn't even know

Technology amazes me.  Facebook, cell phones, skype, all those things I never would have imagined possible as a child.  Within minutes of something happening halfway around the world, with the click of a button, you can announce anything to anyone and everyone you want to (and add pictures, too)

I am not going to lie, I love facebook and being nosey and reading blogs and sharing joy and pain with people I have never even met or hardly said 3 words to in high school.  I love that sometimes facebook feels like one big family.  I love that I can send my family pictures of our kids with my cell phone if something cute or funny happens---instantly.  I love it that I can tell my husband to bring me home something from the store on his way home with a simple text message or email.

While all wonderful and fun, there can be things about all of this "technology" that hinder personal intimate relationships.  I had a wake up call the other day that really hit home and reminded me to stop looking at my computer screen and look into the eyes of my child and really talk.

My relationship with Christ has always been somewhat private to me.  I don't want it to be that way, but it is how I was raised and it is SO hard to change something you aren't used to.  We didn't pray out loud at home or have devotionals or talk about God.  We went to church every weekend and stayed involved in church, but we didn't talk about it outside the walls of church.  As I got older I tried really hard to become more comfortable sharing my faith with other believers and non-believers.  It got easier but it is still one of my greatest weaknesses.  It takes so much conscious effort to me to sit down with my kids and pray or talk about Jesus.  I force myself to do it because even though it isn't anywhere close to the way it is supposed to be, hopefully when my kids are older, it will be easier for them and so on.  I am planting some seeds. 

Anyway, I have been praying for a long time about Sophie accepting Christ as her personal savior.  Because I am private and she can be private and because I wanted it to be her decision, I haven't pushed her.   I have just been mentioning things here and there and observing her reaction.  Well, long story short, one morning we were talking about something on the radio and I mentioned we should pray out loud for the people on the radio while we were in the car (I sometimes do this and my kids aren't too fond of it right now)  I had this weird thing pop in my head that I should ask Sophie if she has prayed a prayer and invited Jesus to come into her heart.  She said yes!  She said yes!  SHE SAID YES!!!  I almost got in a wreck because I was happy/shocked/hurt she hadn't told me.  I mean, this is a big deal!  I have been praying for this!  I became a Christian at 7 years old while at vacation bible school with a friend.  I still remember how great it felt that day and every day after and how I saw the world through a different lens. 

Here is the part that is sad.  She did this over the summer one night by herself.  The summer.  That was before I had the baby--7 months ago.   I didn't even know. 

I knew within an hour when my cousin became engaged last week due to facebook (congrats Kate and Cory) and I am happy for them but what a slap in the face of reality that while I was playing on facebook and reading blogs, my daughter was doing this big huge thing and I didn't know.

I didn't even know.

Something needs to change for me.

I love that I get to do things like this...

This was one of my favorite books in elementary school.  I ready it every year---at least once.  I had forgotten all about it until I saw it in Sophie's scholastic book order flier this month.  I ordered it (OF COURSE!) and couldn't wait to read it to her. 

Sophie and I regularly curled up in her bed or mine with a good chapter book and it wouldn't be rare for me to end up reading the whole thing.  She doesn't like stopping in the middle of a book any more than I do.  I love it that she loves me reading to her so most of the time, I was happy to oblige.  We sadly have not been able to do this since Oliver has joined the family.  I am too tired or Luke refuses to be quiet and stop interrupting.  I have been having quite a bit of mommy guilt over neglecting poor Sophie lately (squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?) 

Last night we were FINALLY able to curl up (Ollie in between us) and start the book.  I admit---I got too sleepy to finish last night, but we finished today and she loved it!  I loved it too and it was a great "teachable" moment and an opportunity to talk about God's love and forgiveness and most of all acceptance and compassion for those among us less fortunate.  I love hearing what goes on in that sweet girls head and she usually teaches me something as well with her wide-eyed innocence.

I am so glad I am blessed with the opportunity to be her mom.  I loved getting out this oldie but goody book and reading it to my child.  What an awesome feeling!

Conversations with Oliver

I seriously have about 10 blog posts in my "edit" folder that I am working on and need to post.  This is all I have for you today.  If you have already seen it on facebook, I apologize.  If you haven't, get a look at this sweetie pie smiling away.  We *think* he laughed last night at Zac.  I don't like this of course because he should have laughed at me first.  I am the funniest---doesn't he know that?  Oliver, you have some things to learn.  Mom is the best at EVERYTHING.  This includes making you laugh :)

p.s. I am sorry if the music annoys you---don't forget to push pause before watching this video so you can hear Oliver's cute baby noises and my annoying mommy high pitched voice.  You probably don't want to watch this if you have a migraine.

Close up

This totally looks like a mug shot.  I just realized how bad the quality is, but oh well.   I must start seriously looking for a fancy new camera, but *new* luxuries are not too high on the priority list right now if you know what I mean! 

Take a look at this face!  Can you see the itty bitty chubby cheeks starting to form?  Yes I do believe he is gaining weight and fattening up!  He had a weight check a week ago and was still not up to his birth weight, but something tells me he will be tomorrow when we have it checked again.  I have to say, I am getting so tired of pumping and nursing around the clock.  Talk about feeling like a COW!  Wow.... I would do anything for this little guy though---he has definitely stolen my heart.  This little guy is so calm.  I was so afraid he might be like Sophie was when she was a baby.  She screamed the entire first three months of life (then she was a dream, of course).  This was okay (though during this time I might not have said that) when I just had her because there were no other kids to tend to.  I took her on car rides and she screamed, I bounced her and she screamed, I put her in the swing and she screamed, you get the picture.   This sweet little boy never screams.  I think he knows there would be no point since mama has to take care of the other two children too! 

Oliver is one month old today!  He is so much more alert now and I love looking into his beautiful eyes when he is looking around and staring at me.  He is trying to hold his head up and does a pretty good job when placed on his tummy.  He is still not too fond of baths, but he is a boy so I think that is why :)    I could just sit and stare at this little guy all day---I wish I could!

So who do you think he looks like?  We are still getting strong Sophie vibes, but I think he is starting to look more like hi own little person as he is growing.

Artist in the making

We had some lovely "Welcome Home Oliver" posters hanging up in our bedroom when we came home.  They were so sweet and so lovingly made by Luke, Sophie, and Oma. 

This picture makes me laugh.  Definitely the best.  It looks like a cross between a bear, a baby that is swaddled, a tadpole, and a ...sperm!  Ha! 

Just a little something to lighten the mood!  Oh, I bet you can't guess who did this?

A kink in the system

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You might be wondering what this is about.  This is our trip to the ER and stay in the PICU.  We got home from the hospital after having the baby on Saturday, September 4th.  On Sunday, I kept thinking Oliver's head felt cold.  It was really bothering me so I took his temperature under his arm.  That temp read REALLY low so I used another thermometer and that one read low too.  I had Zac call the on call doctor at our pediatrician's office (the on-call doctor was not our doctor).  She told us to take his temp using a rectal thermometer (just what we want to do to our poor newborn baby) and if it isn't 97 at least, take him to the ER.  I am starting to get worried now, but wrapped him up in a dozen blankets and held him very close to me as Zac went to get a thermometer.  Zac came home and we quickly discovered that we would need...um...lubricant stuff to get the thermometer in there.  So...... off Zac goes to the store again  (almost the middle of the night by now) to buy lubricant.  He came back and I made him take Oliver's temperature.  It was only reading 95 degrees.  This is the point which I start to cry, a lot.  I then become a hysterical mess.  We called Zac's mom to come and stay with the kids and off we went to the hospital.

I can not even tell you the things going through my head at this time.  I am taking my 5 day old baby to the ER because something is wrong with him.  What if they don't give him back to me?  What if I have to leave him there and go home with empty arms?  What if something really bad is wrong with him?  What if I never get him back...what if what if what if...?   This may seem like crazy talk to you, but when you have been through what we have been through....well things just aren't the same ever again.  Watching your newborn baby die in your arms is something that scars you/changes you for life (and not in a good way).  My mind went to the worst place possible.  I prayed and begged God to please just make this whole thing go away and for my baby to be okay.  I asked Him how much I would have to go through while being refined.  I am ashamed to admit this, but I questioned Him.  I really did.  You would think I would have learned by now to cling to Him and have faith and trust and just lean on Him, but I questioned.   I think it was something like, Lord, haven't I had enough? 

So we get to the hospital and get right in because there is no one in the waiting room!  They took his temp rectally there and it was reading 96.1  That is a slight improvement, but still way too low.  We got into a room in the ER and the doctor came back and was very very rude.  I wanted to punch this guy, or cuss at him or something.  He was SO condescending and arrogant.  Anyway, he told his that now that *they* were involved, they were going to have to do a bunch of tests on the baby including a lumbar puncture (I think I almost fainted when he said that), catheter urine sample, blood tests, IV antibiotics, chest xrays and the minimum of time we would be there would be 24 hours in order for the spinal fluid to grow cultures (forgive me I am not a medical person)   Zac and I stepped out of the room at that point and let them do there thing.  I am still a hysterical mess at this point, but less so because I am so mad at the doctor for his attitude, that it takes away from my fear.   I also need to mention that I could barely walk and was still in a lot of pain from my very recent c-section.  There was no where to sit comfortably, and sitting still hurt so this just made things even worse!

They finished all the tests I mentioned above and we were waiting for results.  Oliver was under this super crazy warmer thing and before we knew it, they overcooked him and he had fever!  The nurse actually said something about having to treat him for fever when he came in for a low temperature.  Oh my gosh...really?  How about turn the thing down??!!! 

The doctor walked in and mentioned that the spinal fluid had blood in it, which could indicate a brain bleed and they would need to do a cat scan to see if he had a brain bleed.  Now I am feeling punched in the stomach.  Brain bleed?  My baby was just released from the hospital the day before and he was FINE!  Wouldn't they have noticed something like that?  So Zac went with Oliver to have the cat scan and came back pretty upset.  He said with the machines and Oliver hooked up to things it really reminded him of Olivia.  Zac had to watch a lot of what went on with Olivia while I was still unable to move from my c-section so he gets flashbacks of that and this was one of them and it was not fun.  We were both pretty upset by now. 

A while later, the doctor came and told us that EVERYTHING came back negative and they had not found anything alarming.   The next thing would be Oliver getting admitted to the PICU  to make sure he can keep his temperature up and also to wait for the lumbar puncture cultures to come back (they were testing for meningitis and a couple of other things)  We were very relieved at this point and just wanted to go home and wake up from this nightmare.  We got up to the room and I sent Zac home since there was only one place for someone to sleep and since I was the food source for the baby, I would have to stay. 

Throughout the rest of the night, Oliver maintained his temperature and ate and was doing fine.

At about noon, our regular pediatrician busted through the door and was just so upset that we were there.  She said she felt so bad because it was her patient and that we had to go through all of that for no reason was very upsetting.  She also explained that the blood in the spinal fluid was NORMAL for a newborn and that someone with proper training would know that (ouch, take that you RUDE ER DOCTOR!)  She explained that the baby probably just got cold in our house and that was it.  The medical field has become so ridiculous and everything is about covering yourself and protection from lawsuits.  I decided I LOVE our pediatrician.  She said she was in charge and if SHE wanted to discharge Oliver, she could and she would.  Her words, "...I don't have a career to protect because I am old, so I don't care..."  Awesome.

We couldn't get out of there fast enough.  We got home (for the second time) and crashed.  Let's hope Oliver is not setting some kind of standard for ER visits.  

I was thinking about when the pediatrician came to talk to me shortly after Oliver was born.  She noticed that I was breastfeeding and looked at me a little funny.  She hemmed and hawed and finally came out and said, that since it didn't work out the way I wanted it to with my first two, there might just be a "kink in the system" and it would be okay not to try to breastfeed this one because formula is great.  I love her for trying to protect me and take the guilt off, but I was mad about it at that time.   

Yep, there is a kink in the system, but it ISN'T me.

Going home

This is going to be a short post---I need to try and grab some sleep while the baby is sleeping!  Anyway here are some pictures of the rest of our hospital stay.  Again, no pictures of Mommy---I know that is what you really want to see---ha!

Here is a close up of sweet Oliver, or "baby Ollie" as we have started calling him---I love these cheeks and he looks so sweet sucking on his pacifier.  Don't tell the lactation consultant.  When she came into the room, I hid this thing!  I know they aren't supposed to have these due to "nipple confusion", but this kid likes to suck, and I don't like being a pacifier so much.  He doesn't have nipple confusion anyway---he is an equal opportunity sucker!  Perhaps I shouldn't write blog posts on so little sleep as it results me saying things like this!

Here he is again---no evil pacifier this time!  Can you see his fuzzy head hairs sticking out---this kid's hair is hilarious!   He has fine hairs that stick up all over his head.  It kind of looks like when a small child draws a picture of a person and uses squiggly lines and little hairs that go all over the person's head and you think---no one really looks like that in real life!  He also has a faux hawk---also hilarious.  Luckily these hairs will fall out very soon and he will most likely be bald.  We are enjoying his fuzzy head right now though!

This is what my husband did for the majority of our hospital stay.  Isn't he sweet? 

Getting dressed to go home---and pretty mad about it!    Isn't his outfit the cutest  It was an etsy.com order and I love it! 

I am outta here!